Change, sufferings and etc.

I used to think that a person is always lonely, because you are the only one to accompany yourself from the beginning of life to the very end. But I was wrong. Everything you eat, everyone you met, every scenery you saw, the path you have taken, the words and songs you have heard, the ones you have encountered with, the fresh air, the morning dew, the bright sunlight at dawn...all those have been merged into you, and became part of you. So even if you walk alone to the very end, you are not the same lonely one as when you started. Life gives. And you shall, accept, forgive, and forget.

The above is what I put in my wechat moments a few nights ago. Actually this is only what I hoped to comfort myself. The world and humans are doomed to be alone and lonely. However, we'll do change because of what and who we have gone through. The only thing uncertain is what nature is this change, and where this change lead us to.

I heard some news from one of my good friends and feel deeply sorrow for what he has encountered. But just like what I’ve put a lot of times, this is life.

Ты же ничего не знаешь. I hoped to put this a my status on TM but did not do so. You don’t know anything. But how could I blame you? It is me who has a problem not you. I’d be lucky to have all that I posses now. I should be grateful to everything you have done or not done to me. I shouldn’t ask for more.

As is put in Bible, I shall not want.

Speaking of religion and desire, there’s seven sins in Christianity, and respectively, there is seven (eight) sufferings of life in Buddhism, one of which is called ‘longing for things that you cannot get’. Compared with others, this one is relatively easier to understand. From childhood, we long for a lot of things. And the elder we get, the wiser we get, the more sufferings we also get from this kind of impossibility of chances.

I comforted my friend with words that I even myself do not believe. I read it somewhere a long time ago, saying that once you have met the right one, you’d forgive everything (bad) the Lord has done to you prior to that moment and feel grateful for the chance to meet the one. Do you believe it? It sounds just too nice to be true.

But we shall still hope. But sometimes I cannot help thinking that, the more hope you have, the more disappointed you may get at the end.

Again, sorry I’ve been low again. But generally I’m feeling pretty normal recently. Getting better because I’m getting used to it. Getting to accept that I’m a freak and that my path will be a bit different and difficult. I’ll get through it, I promise. It just might take some time.

I thought I might keep the broken mouse as a reminder, but today I changed my mind. I don’t want to keep anything as a reminder of my already pathetic life. I’m buying a new one. I hope these small changes will bring new thoughts. And BTW, I do get more mature, compared to last year or 2013. This is good, right?

Progress, small, slow, but steady. I’m making it, and I’ll make it.

Then someday, some time later, I can stand in your ceremony, celebrate with you and clap for your happiness. Because at that time, I’d already found myself.